Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize