I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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