A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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