don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
