i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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