Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
