I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
