I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you would pick up someone in the library
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
