My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
