Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
ok first of all what the fuck
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
