Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just googled if crying burns calories
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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