hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
