whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
