i think my tv is drunk
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
