Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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