I CAN MOONWALK!
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize