I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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