Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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