if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
