I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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