Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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