a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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