Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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