My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
