me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
