I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize