is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
