Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
