My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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