So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
