He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Bring me that man meat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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