Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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