Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
