Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
