You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
