it was like his penis was on wheels.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
