Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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