Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Jerry, you need to find god
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
