I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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