yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
