My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
