my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
