and she was petting her beer can
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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