They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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