I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
