if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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