I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
