I just saw a hot homeless man
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
