I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
