Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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