3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
