I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
