This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
