You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
