The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
