Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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