New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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